PICTURE the scene: Hairy ersed and scruffy farmer enters Clyde Vet surgery in Lanark, with cat in a box. Receptionist greets him and asks name of cat.

HE farmer, let’s call him Dye Clark, from nearby Lesmahagow, says: “Cat disnae huv a name.” Receptionist points Dye and Cat to waiting seat and he is soon called to the surgery: “Mr Clark and Cat please ...”

Vet says: “I hear you have booked Cat in for a pedicure. That’ll be £9.” “Whit’s a pedicure,” asks Dye. “Oh, that means it’s hear to have its paws snipped,” says vet. “Naw, somebody must have misheard me on the phone ... and it’s how much for that!!!!” Whereupon HE farmer, takes Cat and returns home unharmed!

Archie’s got the needle

HE SEES more sheep in a week than anyone I know, so it was no surprise to hear that Longtown auctioneer, Archie Hamilton, had been asked to judge the Highland area Texel flock competition, recently.

However, as anyone who has done these knows, it can be a long day and so it was with some relief that Archie and hosts relaxed on the Park Hotel, in Thurso. The hoot of the night, though, was when Archie got up after the meal and his troosers split from front to back, exposing what can only be described as ‘pink’ pants.

Now this seemed to tickle the fancy of the waiting staff, who asked the affronted Archie where he got them as they would like to buy similar, but MUCH smaller ones!

However, after using his jaiket as a suitable shield, Archie retreated backside first with his hosts and one them, a young lady – no doubt under some duress or dumbed down by drink – acted as a good Samaritan by double stitching Archie’s ‘loose bits’ back together, and then added protection in the form of some Gorilla tape!

Needless to say that Archie’s gift for going all that way to judge the contest was ... a sewing kit.

So, if any Longtown regulars find themselves similarly afflicted in the trouser department, then Archie’s the man with the needle ... he’s sew good!

Ewe joking?

IF YOU think the hills are not alive with the sound of sheep, then you might just be right.

The Highland village of Rogart usually has an annual nursery dog trial around about this time but had to abandon its plans this year because of a sheep shortage, according to the organisers.

The main reason given by them was that the local provider did not have as many sheep about him as usual and its proximity to tupping time meant that it was a busy time for the wider local industry to help out.

However, the committee is confident that that trial will go ahead next year and will gear up for it’s 50th year in 2019. Ewe heard it here first!