January 02, 2016 - Our show guide for beginners

But for inexperienced showgoers and exhibitors, there needs to be some kind of a guide to the vagaries, the characters and the do’s and don’ts of successfully enjoying the show.

Here’s a few tips – a show guide for dummies:

Show preparation of animal

Never ever believe anyone that tells you ‘it’s just oot the field this mornin’.’

This indicates the beast has been on a strict regime of three times a day feeding for several months and has clocked up a feeding bill more suited to a 70-litre per day dairy coo.

Also, if you are feeding your beast months in advance, be

assured that everyone else is.

So, you don’t want to be left at the coo’s tail and there is a reason why all those potions and lotions manufacturers and sellers are at every show ... Some of them even work (you just need to find out which one works best for you). This might entail hours of research and a million quid in purchases, but you will get there in the end!

Vitamin B12 may prove invaluable, for both animal and showperson in the run up to the event.

Get an experienced showman to show you the ropes with clipping

your sheep/coo/horse or whatever.

However, one word of warning ... if your animalis REALLY good, then be prepared for said ‘mentor’ to try and do a bit of sabotage.

There’s nothing more humiliating for him or her to be beaten by a novice!

Some breed societies frown upon dressing of animals. Do not pay any

attention to this; you just have to be subtle.

For instance, when they say ‘no trimming’ of X breed of sheep, that does not mean that you cannot use a blowtorch to clean up those unsightly stray bits. The blowtorch can also come in useful for a rearrangement of a sheep’s horn but do not use the Heston Blumenthal one that the wife uses in the kitchen to enhance he culinary craft ... animal remnants on such could lead to domestic strife.

Manager at your disposal.

Some of these wee shows can be fully matured in terms of looking after exhibitors and even those without a proper beer tent, will always have what can only be termed a ‘Hostility Tent’, wherein, for a small donation to the show’s coffers, one can imbibe oneself in the company of other self-deluded, fully opinionated showmen.

Develop a healthy respect for one’s peers and especially your elders. Never, ever, however, believe them.

Some of them tell outlandish stories which have never been verified. Remember that half the lies urnae true!

At the risk of being sexist, ugly show people should acquire the assistance of a good-looking youngster to actually show their best

beasts.

For male judges, select a desirable young lady with ‘bits aboot her’ and a nice turn of ankle.

And, for female judges, pick an Adonis-like youth, with a hairy chest.

Judges will tell you that this never makes any difference, but be rest assured, farmers are the most sexist beings on the planet in this regard.

If you want to know what a judge goes for ... check out their other half.

However, when it comes to Clydesdale horses, the rules go oot the windae. It is universally accepted that, once the judge is ascertained, then the outcome is a foregone conclusion.

That said, even though they know they will be beaten by So and So’s beastie, they all seem to turn up anyway, which gives them plenty of ammunition to moan about the judges for at least the next seven years.

Some Clydesdale feuds have been going on for generations, so, for the beginner, it is best not to take any sides until you have known anyone for at least one generation.

For the judges

Always dress well and have a shepherd’s crook. This gives one the aura of an expert when leaning on it when you get lost in a class and are pondering what the hell to do next.

It also comes in useful for prodding the animal that should be first so that it becomes skittish and allows you to place your pal’s beast ahead of it.

The stick is also a deterrent to apres show abuse from disgruntled exhibitors and, therefore, it should be of stout wood and not dissimilar to a shillelagh.

If things have gone well and everyone has bought you a drink afterwards, it is also a good pivot point to allow one to pontificate in a knowledgeable manner and to assist one on the walk to your transport home. For a full tutorial on the aforementioned just watch any Blackface sheep judge in action.

These have an in-bred sense of judgemental (with the accent on

‘mental’) poise, even when they haven’t a clue. They also take plenty of time over things and this should not be misconstrued as dithering, it is in fact giving the judge time to think of what excuses he will use at the after judging inquiry.

If bad legs, poor comformation, sickle hocks or wrang mooth are not immediately apparent, then it is always safe to resort to the old indefinable favourite: “The wan I pit first had mair breed character.”

Keep your wits about you. This is difficult at some shows, especially those on show preparation of owner/exhibitor.

Learn how to drink properly. Which means that you need a transport.

The islands where judges are never, ever offered coffee before making their placings, whisky is usually available in gallons.

Always carry a Kit-Kat for sustenance, as lunch could be some time away ... indeed, it is sometimes in the next village.

However, one word of warning, these shows have the equivalent of a multiple-choice questionnaire and one animal can be entered in several classes, so you will have to remember where you placed each beast in relation to ABXY in the class. Always check sheep for parachute straps ... some have been landed on the island only days, or even hours before!

Always have a hanky in your pocket for if someone offers to clean your glasses after placing a class, you can take theirs, clean them and hand them back adding that they might ‘See a bit better efter that.’

The hanky also comes in useful for wiping off the black stuff that people put on black beasts (what’s that all about?).

If you ascend to the lofty heights of judging an inter-breed, never forget where you are in the country and the delicate political correctness of placing the Blackie above a Mule or other cross-bred.

If in doubt, when judging the champion of champions, always go for the duck or the rabbit, as that will give everyone a laugh at least!

Judging young handlers is to be avoided at all costs. But, if in a moment of weakness you agree to this, then go for the cute handler with the blond curls. The crowd, at least, will love you for it.

So, there you go ... a handy wee guide to avoid the trouble and strife of showlife.

Most of all, approach every show as if you are going to win and don’t whine like a banshee when you don’t.

That’s show business!