Search and rescue

NEVER poke your ears with something smaller than an elbow! Sound advice passed down the generations, but unheeded by our cartoonist Wull! 
Whilst reading The Scottish Farmer he had an itch in one ear – and his solution was to give it a poke with a leg of his specs.
Relief turned to disbelief as he broke the spec leg and half-an-inch of plastic disappeared down his lug hole.
After four days of trying home-made retrieval, stopping short of calling the local plumber, he phoned his GP practice who refereed him to the minor ailments unit at his nearest hospital. 
But their valiant efforts were also in vain and he was referred on to the new ‘Bussy Lizzie’ hospital in Glasgow (The Queen Elizabeth, in Govan, to you and me), where the expert staff in ward 11B quickly and professionally recovered the offending plastic from his inner being.
If only they could be employed to retrieve the various outstanding payments due to our industry.
And, as for Wull, he was happy to be back to normal, knowing once again that he had nothing between his ears!

Life in West's goldfish bowl!
IT WAS the Scottish Association of Young Farmers Clubs’ West Area agm at Lanark market, recently, where Suzie Dunn, of SSS YFC, stepped down as chair, before passing the reigns over to Andrew Ireland, of Crossroads YFC.
Agms are generally known as occasions for the chairperson to give their vice-chairman some sort of gratuity, something meaningful, that will remind them of their year in the role and Suzie made sure she would not be forgotten anytime soon.
When it came to Andrew receiving his gift, he was shocked, albeit touched, to discover that Suzie had, in fact, bought him two pet goldfish!
I think it’s fair to say that the gift will not be forgotten any time soon and rumour has it they have already been named 'Cheese' and 'Burger'!
Good luck to the new west committee, which will see Andrew as West chair, and Lizzie McJannet, of Ayr and District YFC as vice-chair.

A phone in a furrow!
NFU Scotland’s Forth and Clyde Region chairman, Willie Harper, from Gryffewraes, Bridge of Weir, might be as upstanding as ever he was, but he is certainly not as upstandingly mobile as he was!
The reason, of course, is that he is currently without his trusty mobile phone – and it’s all his own fault!
While catching up with the ploughing this week, he got out the tractor cab to deal with a snag. Unfortunately, his phone must have slipped out his dungarees pocket and was subsequently ploughed in.
So if you are out walking in the Renfrewshire area and you hear a ringing noise coming from the ground, it will be somebody trying to contact Willie – and not the Devil ringing up from down below, as you might imagine.

The ups and downs of a tipster!
WHEN our photographer Emma Cheape appeared at Lucinda Russell’s yard on Sunday to capture the victory parade of Grand National winner One For Arthur, she was quickly collared by one of the yard’s team who immediately informed her that they didn’t think much of our resident racehorse expert, Douglas MacSkimming’s tips, as he had questioned whether or not One For Arthur would ‘last home’!
Not so miffed with ‘oor Dougie’s’ predictions were Robert and Margaret Fleming, from Hillhead, Kirkpatrick Fleming.
Taking a rare break from the coos’ tails and paying a first visit to the Aintree meeting, our intrepid duo just had time to note the three names mentioned by Dougie in this column last week before setting off for Liverpool. All three were backed each way and returned a profit which made Robert remark that he wished he had ‘put more on’.
For the record, One For Arthur of course was the winner at 14/1, Saint Are third at 25/1, while Blaklion finished fourth as the 8/1 favourite!

Fly by nights!
A SWARM of unseasonal flies have left the douce people of Newton Mearns up in arms. 
The leafy suburb on the south side of Glasgow is one of Scotland’s most sought after areas, but some illegal waste dumping on the site of a former factory has had the locals queuing up to buy ‘zap bats’ to help control the problem.
Even local farmers have been complaining. Johnny Pollock, from Malletsheugh Farm, was quoted in The Herald saying: “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. It’s ridiculous!”
SEPA and Renfrewshire Council are investigating. No flies on them then.