A 'Fermers version' of The Address to the Haggis

Fair fa yer honest, bright reed face

This ferming life, we embrace

Aboon a, Lettoch is oor workplace

Live, breath n ferm

We must be off oor heads to be in this rat race

for a 30 year term!

We moan n groan, when the post leave anither bill

The royal bank say, the balance is nil

Yer custom, would help, to mend n fill

In time o need

Dinna buy beef fae Brazil

Scottish fermers hiv to succeed

Our lives see rustic labour a nicht

Calving coos n pulling wi a yer micht

The hurdies are stuck, and we pray it’ll be a richt

Push ye bitch!

And then... what a glorious sicht

Warm... reeking... and a chance o being rich!

Then o what a surprise, the bugger taks scour and mightna survive

As well as refusing to sook, n noo its milk deprived

Its eens sunkin in, and to save it we strive

The mood is glum!

Ony ideas o being rich hiv teen a nose dive

N to death is dis succumb

The dissapointment turns the air blue

I said the ither day we hidna lost een yet, so this is right on cue

Theres a spare calf, n we’ll jist hae to mak do

Whit a perfect scunner!!

Looks doon at it n thinks well... F*CK you!

What a bummer!

Poor Devil!! And jist we that, there’s a rumble n crash

Fits gan on, there’s a hell of a stramash

The coos teen milk fever, n went doon in a flash

Noo, she’s lying in the shit!

What a bloody hash...

cause the twinned on calf’s... lying... under it!

But mark oor hill fermers, born n bred

Even though, their sheeps... life ambition... is to be dead!

Jagging n dozing n dipping n clipping and lambing, are a the jobs that fill ye wi dread

But ferming, its in yer bones!!

Tho you need to hiv a good head

To pay aff a yer loans!

Ye powrs in Parliament n Hollyrood, fa pretend to care

sitting on yer erse a day, n dishing oot rules that are’na fair

Us fermers, jist want a decent price for oor wear

There’s vegan twits oot there determined to shaggis!!

But, if ye wish oor gratefu prayer

Force feed them... A HAGGIS!