A 'Fermers version' of The Address to the Haggis, written by Kelly Stuart

Fair fa yer honest, bright reed face

This ferming life, we embrace

Aboon a, Lettoch is oor workplace

Live, breath n ferm

We must be off oor heads to be in this rat race

for a 30 year term!

We moan n groan, when the post leave anither bill

The royal bank say, the balance is nil

Yer custom, would help, to mend n fill

In time o need

Dinna buy beef fae Brazil

Scottish fermers hiv to succeed

Our lives see rustic labour a nicht

Calving coos n pulling wi a yer micht

The hurdies are stuck, and we pray it’ll be a richt

Push ye bitch!

And then... what a glorious sicht

Warm... reeking... and a chance o being rich!

Then o what a surprise, the bugger taks scour and mightna survive

As well as refusing to sook, n noo its milk deprived

Its eens sunkin in, and to save it we strive

The mood is glum!

Ony ideas o being rich hiv teen a nose dive

N to death is dis succumb

The dissapointment turns the air blue

I said the ither day we hidna lost een yet, so this is right on cue

Theres a spare calf, n we’ll jist hae to mak do

Whit a perfect scunner!!

Looks doon at it n thinks well... F*CK you!

What a bummer!

Poor Devil!! And jist we that, there’s a rumble n crash

Fits gan on, there’s a hell of a stramash

The coos teen milk fever, n went doon in a flash

Noo, she’s lying in the shit!

What a bloody hash...

cause the twinned on calf’s... lying... under it!

But mark oor hill fermers, born n bred

Even though, their sheeps... life ambition... is to be dead!

Jagging n dozing n dipping n clipping and lambing, are a the jobs that fill ye wi dread

But ferming, its in yer bones!!

Tho you need to hiv a good head

To pay aff a yer loans!

Ye powrs in Parliament n Hollyrood, fa pretend to care

sitting on yer erse a day, n dishing oot rules that are’na fair

Us fermers, jist want a decent price for oor wear

There’s vegan twits oot there determined to shaggis!!

But, if ye wish oor gratefu prayer

Force feed them... A HAGGIS!