Keeping the gammon fresh

DESCRIBING someone as a 'gammon' may be a bit of modern slang that has passed our readers by, but is worthy of explanation following Boris Johnson's apparent retreat into a refrigerated room to escape persistent TV reporters on his General Election campaign trail earlier this week.

In this context, a 'gammon' is a middle-to-old-aged white man, prone to turning a ruddy pink with outrage at the mention of any political views he does not agree with – an insult that took root during David Cameron's premiership, and has since flourished wherever the younger generation gather to discuss the failings of their seniors.

So it was that the internet lit up with merriment when, during a pre-dawn visit to a food business in the Tory-held constituency of Pudsey, in Yorkshire, Mr Johnson was ushered into a chiller to escape the attentions of the Good Morning Britain TV crew, not least because the crew were there as representative of a man widely regarded as prime gammon himself, Piers Morgan.

And on that bombshell...

Staying with opinionated old chaps, former Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has been discussing his new life as a farmer, and typically, is showing signs of making it all about himself.

"I am now a farmer and utterly exhausted as a result. It’s a full-on farm. At any given moment I know a bit of machinery is gonna cut one of my arms off. Have you ever tried to round up a field of sheep? They’re vindictive. I got up the other morning and they’d escaped. They always escape."

Welcome to the real world Jeremy.

What have the Americans got against sheep?

With Scottish hill farmers still nervously checking their farm roads for US celebrity huntress, Larysa Switlyk, following her highly-publicised stalking and despatch of a Blackface tup, accusations have emerged that Donald Trump Junior illegally shot an endangered 'argali' sheep during a seven-day hunting trip to Mongolia.

Online critics of the President's son's behaviour also allege that his kill was made legal by the retrospective granting of a hunting permit to spare his blushes. News outlet ProPublica interviewed the hunting guide the Trump party used, who reported that he shot his argali at night using a rifle with a laser sight.

When Irish ewes are smiling

Drug manufacturer Pfizer has vociferously denied a report which claimed that hundreds of sheep in Southern Ireland went on a week-long sex spree after drinking water from Ringaskiddy harbour accidentally contaminated by a spillage of 'tonnes of Viagra'.

The company stated: "Pfizer manufacturing facilities operate to high environmental standards and are regulated and licensed by health authorities and environmental agencies to protect human health and the environment."

Local shepherds were unavailable for comment, presumably because they'd had a sip of the water themselves.